Take me to your Motherboard

So here I am typing a blog on my Ipod...my fucking Ipod! I recently lost someone really close to me and I am having a real hard time adjusting. The day my computer died, is the day a piece of me died. Never do I feel more dependent on technology as i do when I have no Internet access. How will I adjust to this 20 yr step back in technology? Talking to some gifted people (nerds) I found out that my Motherboard was fucked. Motherboard? WTF is this a L Ron Hubbard book? And where is this Motherboard, right next to the flux capacitor? Or maybe the Sasquatch really does drink Kokanee...

Upon further investigation there was no Motherboard in the dictionary. A REAL dictionary, not some urban piece of crap dictionary, not wikipedia, a real life paperback dictionary. Published in 1954....shit. Maybe the nerds are honorable people, maybe they can be trusted. Ahh the Motherboard, majestic almost.

So I drive down to the local tech shop and suavely tell them my "Motherboard" is fucked. Never have I felt so "in" before. All the techies eyes lit up as they saw potential for a good, enlightened conversation. Unlike the rest of the computer illiterates out there. It didn't take me long to disappoint.

So whats the problem?

My computer wont boot up I've been told its the Motherboard.

Well what happens when you turn it on?

I dunno, all I see the is words DELL. I've tried pushing every button, usually the ones that make a nice fist shape. Still nothing.

Well its probably about $250-300 to fix.

$300? That's how much I paid for the computer! I knew I should have listened to that guy from Dodgeball! PC's suck.

We can save all your files for $150.

If I wanted to pay for my music I would have done so in the first place. Never will I have faith in the Motherboard again.

Hey There Lil Fella!

Theres a new fashion statement cursing the nation and all the boys are jumping on board. The DickDo. With video games and masturbation mainstreaming the minds of today's young men, the need for any other stimulation or physical activity is futile. What more exercise does a guy need than a good jerk, or maybe a game of Wii bowling. Hard is it now to find a man with a bulge below the belt bigger than the one above.

I myself once rocked the Dickdo but have recently reacquainted myself with "Mini-me". I found it frustrating holding my bladder till I got home so my girlfriend could undo my buckle while I held my gut up. How all these single Dickdos got by is a mystery to me! A man can only wear joggers and sit to pee for so long before you start losing dignity. I originally made excuses for keeping my gut...

Hey, I float better.
I can eat more food in one sitting.
I have a girlfriend I don't need to be in shape.
220lbs is the new 180.

But no matter how many times I tried to convince myself I wasn't in that bad of shape Jake Gyllenhaal would be staring at me from the cover of GQ calling me a fat tub of shit. So I cut back to 5 Rotten Ronnie visits a week instead of 12, used butter instead of bacon grease on my toast, and declined having those 3rd and 4th plates and the Chinese buffet.

As a reformed supporter of the Dickdo I am now pleading to all current Dickdos that there is a better way of life out there. Sitting to pee isn't equal rights, its just embarrassing. Regain your pride and boldly reach for your pecker from a standing position with full confidence it is within reach. No longer will your belt buckle give you stitches. And please God, save the joggers for your workouts boys.

THIS IS THE CLOWN MY PARENTS HIRED FOR MY 9TH B-DAY.

Needless to say, I wasn't impressed...

Summer is quickly approaching and now is the time to turn this body into a shrine! I will work out everyday and by July I will ripped and tanned, awed by each and every beach goer. Actually being toned is fine. Who wants to be in perfect shape anyways? Way to much work to maintain. There are 13 steps to my bedroom, 21 to the coffee room at work. That should be good. If I start sitting to pee then I'd be doing like 6-8 squats a day. That sounds good. Hey, if I get desperate I could start smoking more. Coughing is good exercise. Maybe I'm pushing it too much. I didn't realize how much exercise I already did. In fact I think I might start sleeping downstairs to cut some steps out of my day.

The Word Gullable Isn't In The Dictionary

Remember when you were young and your parents told you to never accept candy from a stranger? In hindsight, I think there were some underlying values I should have carried forward to my adult life. Never have I ever accepted something so blindly as I did that cold and early morning.

When my alarm goes off at 4:15 for my morning shift not much goes through my head. It's too cold to get out of bed and it takes a few minutes to get the brain into full throttle. I'm so tired! Work, I hate work. Piss, work, ugh, brush teeth, work, i hate work, coffee, work, keys, wallet, phone, fuck work. Eventually I do make it out door and drive to work but running only on 15yrs instinct, no real thought required.

As if waking up at an ungodly hour wasn't bad enough when I get to work my job is to face. A job created for Neanderthals, not modern the day human. Four hours of pulling cans forward and spinning English isn't really my idea of stimulating. As I struggled to keep my eyes open my co-worker noticed my struggles and offered some assistance.

Kent: You look tired buddy!

Me: Yeah, I only had about three hours sleep yesterday.

Kent: Here, take a couple of these they'll get ya going.

Well, Mr. Gullable here took the two pills out of Kent's hand assuming they were wake-ups or something along those lines and downed them with a coffee. No sooner than I swallowed the pills and took a gasp of air was Kent laughing so hard I swear I smelt shit.

Kent: Have a fun day Bud, those weren't wake-ups those were EX-LAX!!

ME: You're shitting me!?!?

Kent: You'll be shitting your self here in a few minutes!

Sure enough, within a half hour I felt a rumbling like no other. A rumbling that lasted for a good six hours of my day. I have never felt so drained in my entire life and I've tried LSD. You think the last three hours of an acid trip are tiring and draining? Try pooping out half your body weight! Four rolls of toilet paper, and two tubes of Prep-H later the BM's subsided and was able once again to integrate with society. Never again will I blindly accept anything from anyone! There was that one time though when Jodi told be he had liquid acid in his Visine bottle...

Bad Bad Gaga

Remember when it was all about the music? Not about camera compatibility, the costume malfunctions, nor the bumping and grinding. When the music industry wasn't controlled by the pre-teens. We now live in the world of Gaga. Gaga has shown the recipe for success and record label management is eating it up. Her rise to fame can be contributed to her outfits and antics more than the music. Though I must admit I have been caught walking the aisles at working humming,"Stop calling, Stop calling, I don't wanna talk anymore" or maybe a lil "Pa Pa Pa Pokerface, Pa Pa Pokerface"!

Bad Gaga. No longer can you flip on MuchMusic or MuchMoreMusic without seeing young women dressed up in Halloween costumes, and I ain't talking bout Frankenstein or Uncle Fester. More like Elvira on PCP. Flipping thru the channels the other day and I see some chick dancing around a bird cage, certainly under the influence of some narcotic. I ask my fiance who this slutty little girl is and it was no other than Miley Cyrus. Oh Billy Ray, your achy breaky palpitating heart! I suppose if anyone is going to take advantage of your daughter it might as well be you. Who knows exactly how much he collects being Miley's manager. That must ease the heartburn a bit.

Today's icons musical prowess is so lacking they have been forced to entertain us with more than just music. What happened to the days of Janet and Paula when it was about busting a move?Like a funky tap dance or some hair flipping. I dunno, I guess I'm just ole fashioned. Its a little hard to listen to a 16yr old Justin Bieber sing about love. WTF is Bieber gunna do when his voice starts cracking, wearing banana hammocks and smoking pole to keep the ratings? Hey, it worked for Lambert. But the worst offender has be Ke$ha. I wish I had a 12yr old daughter that could listen to Ke$ha sing about wanting her men to talk less and fuck more;

"Coming out your mouth with your blah, blah, blah
Zip your lips like a padlock and meet me at the back
With the jack and the jukebox

I don't really care where you live at
Just turn around, boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at

Music starts, listen hot stuff
I'm in love with this song
So just hush, baby, shut up
Heard enough

Stop, talk, talk, talking that blah, blah, blah
Think you'll be getting this nah, nah, nah
Not in the back of my car, ah, ah
If you keep talking that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Boy, come on give me rock stuff
Come put a little love it my glove bag
I wanna dance with no pants on
Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox

So cut to the chase kid
'Cause I know you don't care what my middle name is
I wanna be naked but you're wasted

So on and so forth, blah blah blah.

She is lucky she put that single out when she did, I was working on a song of the same title. It was about getting sick after a night of drinking alone watching Girlicous videos. Damn they're hot!